Thrive

The crown that sits upon your head

Is made of grass and weeds

The scepter you hold up in your stead

Convinces you that you'll succeed 

Your kingdom thrives, just in your mind

You're no real majesty

But still you sit upon that throne

And grin so all can see

That throne you sit upon all day

Its that stump cut years ago

Your subjects are the flowers of May 

And the trees that bow real slow

Your kingdom thrives, and so do you

In this place all to yourself

You boldly sit and face the woods

No ragdoll on a shelf

The woods are where you feel at home 

This kingdom made just for you

Though it's just you, you're not alone

There are birds and squirrels, too

Your kingdom thrives, you are at peace

You won't fight, you won't burn or drown 

You're stronger now than ever before

Nothing in the world can knock you down

Thanksgiving

I haven't posted in awhile, but today I have some thoughts that I must share. I accompanied my little sisters and some of the young women from my ward to a nursing home. We sang hymns and walked up and down halls with sleeping or otherwise idle patients. Some, including Brother Johnson, followed us around the home in their wheelchairs. Some listening but pretending not to care, and some that sat in the foyer to listen as well. Down the last hall, we sang Silent Night. My arms were linked with my friends and a patient with beautiful red hair and misty eyes took my hand, and kissed it. She pulled me closer and I hugged her. We exchanged no words. But I felt this overwhelming spirit about her. Gratitude. 

As Thanksgiving approaches I want to remember the soft red in her hair when I see the soft red in the changing leaves. I want to remember that look in her eyes forever. 

That is what Thanksgiving is all about. It's not the food, it's not always the family, either. It's about recognizing everything that you have, thanking Heavenly Father for those things, and showing Him how you are grateful.

 In my lesson today I drew a trunk on the board and labeled it "The Thankful Tree." As each child listed something they were thankful for I drew a leaf on the tree. I taught them ways that they can show Heavenly Father they are grateful for what they have, such as keeping the sabbath day holy and praying, and service. 

Today is just a reminder day for me, I think, because service is one of my favorite things in the world. As the woman kissed my hand I remember thinking, "What have I done? Can I really be that angelic in someone's eyes? Does she see me?"

But she did see me. Not as I do, but as Hravenly Father wants me to see myself. Helping others. Being kind, humble, attentive, loving, and grateful. 

I am so grateful for this gospel. Everyone says that they don't know where they would be without the gospel, but I know where I would be. I know what I would do, and I'm so eternally grateful that I have been so blessed to know the truth. 

Be Happy or Act Happy (No One Cares Which)

I found this on my notes, written exactly a year ago. Some things have not changed.. And some things are more different than ever:

Conversations are painful when I think about them. I can't cry, I can only smile. A fake one, of course. It's been awhile since I've smiled in real conversations like that. I feel so alone sometimes. In certain classes. I did then, but here, it's a little different. Here they don't know me. And most don't care to. But inside I'm wishing that someone would take the time.

You know, the way he treated me, I felt so loved so special so different, yet our choices turned to the worse. I don't know how to feel. What to do. Because I miss that life, and I wish it never happened. I wish I could have been stronger. Now I am left thinking I need someone to lean on. I guess I have to wait, because that someone is not anyone here. Not anyone I know. Why? Because it can't be. I strongly believe there is someone out there for me, and I for them. But I am not worthy of him. I have to be confident that I can be. Because a temple mairraige is what I want. Everything I do now should work up to this. May it happen in three years or twenty years, I will work to be better. To get my education, to become a teacher, a wife, a mother.. To become someone as amazing and beautiful as my mother. To meet someone as caring and responsible as my father. To have all that, I have to start now with baby steps. Tomorrow is coming. If I do not put forth my best effort, I cannot go to BYU, so I will do whatever I can to get there next year. It is the first major step in becoming who I want to be forever. 

My Favorite Quotes from Conference

September Evaluation

These past few weeks haven't been the brightest time in my life. Busy bee, they're telling me. Rarely home, and when I am I'm "too tired" to do anything productive or effective. But I realized after the relief society broadcast, that I have not been giving my all the The Lord and this gospel. My prayers are halfhearted, and my scripture reading has dwindled. Even my journal writing is meager and rushed. The prophet specifically talked about the importance of prayer and I know it was meant for me to hear. I need a better, stronger personal relationship with my Lord. Now that I've opened up my mission file, I need to begin preparations to be on His errand. I cannot do this without prayer, without Him. I cannot wait for general conference. I am very excited to hear what more I can learn and improve on in the coming months and years. 

Moon War

This is as simple as it gets

The truth displayed on blank pages

Lies on the written ones

For you, for me- the wages

From fighting this war are meager

And it seems that we are eager

To leave this hole we are in. 

Can we write a new story?

Nothing is happening but nothing

Can prevent this unbecoming glory.

Winning was never an option we

Had considered in the first place. 

But to actually have victory 

Would be kind of the one we call fate. 

This is as complicated as it gets

Food turns to drink in moonlight

But still we cross our fingers and

Hope that a beam could be our spotlight. 

Intermission

I've had the weirdest experiences working at Walmart. So many people tell me, "you're too good for Walmart" or "I bet that stinks..." And sometimes I definitely agree with them. But lately I'm trying to stay in this mindset- and it's very very hard- to remember that every thing has a purpose. Every place has it's beauty. Every person has worth. Even at Walmart!! That sounds bad, but let me explain. I have encountered so many people and made many friends, shocker I know, that make me feel better than ever. A couple weeks ago, just doing my job, I saw an older man in his driving cart pass by. I asked him if he needed any help, but he smiled and said no thank you. Five minutes later he rolled by me and stopped. "Do you live around here?" He asked. I told him I lived in Murphy, but he said he knew that wasn't it. He preceded to ask me many questions. "Your face is so familiar!" He kept saying, but I really didn't know him and had no idea why we would have crossed paths. Eventually it turned into a wonderful conversation. He asked about my birthday and told my that girls born in July liked to take charge, were hard-headed, and bold. He said they were stubborn, fearless, and in the down-side, that made them naive. "See, I'm into horoscopes," he said. But I had to explain, "I'm not really like that, though."

"Do you like taking charge?"

"Sometimes."

"Are you stubborn?"

"At times."

"Well you're certainly not naive."

"Uh, I think I am. Isn't everyone a little?"

"I'm not. I bet you're fearless."

"Depends on what's initiating the fear."

"Spiders? Men? Walmart?"

"Those aren't things to be fearful of."

"Boys?"

"Now there's a frightening thought."

At this point he scared me a little (and mind, this isn't word for word. I assure you I can't remember conversations this well, but I'm getting the basics). 

"AHA!" He said, "my dear, you were born in the wrong month."

"Well I was supposed to be born in August..."

"That's not what I mean." Then he totally diverted and blurted, "so do you have a boyfriend? A girl as pretty as you HAS to have a boyfriend."

But I explained that I did not want one. "I've been there before and it's really nothing I want any time soon. This portion of my life is about bettering myself."

He nodded but I could tell he didn't understand. 

I was about to say something to explain, when he said, "you've gotten your heart broken haven't you."

"You kind of have to have one for it to break." I said. 

He shook his head and, to my surprise, took my hand (which was sweaty from holding the game case keys... Remember I'm at Walmart.) and he said, "There is no way you don't have a heart, young lady."

I honestly tried to end the conversation but he just kept talking about things, told me finally that his name was Don. (Retired mailman and Walmart employee... Anyway) somehow it came up thst i was LDS and we figured out his nephew was LDS and it was cool. I told him why i wasnt at school, and other things and finally he remembered he had to go. But he took my hand again and said, "I can hope that your boy is out there becoming a man so that he's worthy for you. He's out there somewhere. Bless your heart." 

I went into the bathroom and cried. 

My Friends Leave For College this Week

I don't want to be left behind

People say that all the time

But whether I'm deaf or dumb or blind

This life I live is mine

Memories stir with every sound

I don't know whether to stay or go

But i'm Idly sitting on the ground

And time just isn't moving slow

If I want to act the time is now

If I want to fly I need the wings

But here I am beneath the clouds

Enduring the bites and the stings
Help me not to be alone

As soon as they are all gone

Promise me, that I'll be okay

Or that I won't be hurting long

Publish Peace

Whoso shall publish peace

How beautiful upon the mountains they'll be

Who shall relieve tension and malice 

And try for time and eternity...

If peace is as a river 

Then righteousness is as the waves of the sea

Keep the tributaries flowing

How helpful to the ocean they'll be.

Without peace there is no righteousness

For without the river there is no sea

So whosoever shall publish peace

How beautiful upon the mountains they'll be

Scripture references: 

1 Nephi 13:37

1 Nephi 20:18

Missing my Missionaries

There are a lot of things I am missing this morning, but I woke up and smiled, because one thing my mother keeps telling me, "Each morning you wake up, choose to turn on your happy switch." she said, "You know your grandmother's favorite quote is 'be happy or act happy; no one cares which' " So this morning, I turned my happy switch on, but I guess the circuit breaker needs some work because I sat down to read my brother's email after breakfast, and almost couldn't make it through the email without tears. He entitles every email "Le Miracle I," "Le Miracle II," and so forth. Every week in France is a miracle to him. Every person he meets is a member of his family. Every thing he does is happy, joyful, leaning towards Heavenly Father and the true gospel.
When I was younger I knew my brother would serve a mission, and that when it happened, I would miss him. I didn't expect what happened. Both my siblings that are out on missions, my older sister and my older brother, were very beautiful and spiritual people. Now as I read their emails, receive their letters, I notice the difference in-between the lines of their writings. They are changing. Becoming more like Christ, more like the people they were sent on this earth to become. It is such a beautiful thing, and I am so happy for them, I am so happy to call them my brother and sister; but of all the things I am missing this morning, I miss them. So much.
They both wrote me special letters for my birthday. I'd never been extremely close with my brother, Alec. But we are close. Jenessa, growing up, was my roomate. Naturally we fought. Very often. However, we are very close and I miss her very much because she has always been there for me thrugh times like these, and now she is not here with me. In their letters, though, were some of the most beautiful words that have ever been spoken just to me. I cried through both letters. Alec's was in french, of course, because he is trying to encourage me to study it, as he wish he had prior to receiving his call. Jenessa's was an email that she sent my mom to print out and give to me. I will not share the letters, but one bit that my sister wrote to me.
"We are so so so special and you truly are an elect daughter of God and Satan will do all he can to stop youy from becoming the woman God wants you to be! Stay strong against Him and ALWAYS read your patriarchal blessing and remember Gods promises to you!"
Words. Those words, have been ringing in my ears. I am not working towards the woman I want to be. I am letting things of the world, things of my past, other people, and sickness barge in and turn off the happy switch. Yes, I miss my brother and sister. But they are doing the Lord's work on the Lord's time, and when they are done, It will be my turn. Yes, I miss them, But that will no longer bring me down, but lift me up.

Alec in France... Being who he is. :) 

Jenessa leaving at the MTC curb.

Together

We're going to climb the highest peak and reach the top

We'll do it all together, and never stop

So if two can make it why must one more fall? 

All for one, and one for all. 

Today I am reminded how much young women of the world need one another to stand strong. More importantly, though, they need their savior. So precious are the daughters of God that the adversary will do all he can to keep them from returning to their God. But we are strong. Girls are serving missions, setting examples, bearing their testimonies an rendering unconditional service. A young woman in my ward got up today, one in which I have grown to love with all my heart. Her spirit was strong in her young eyes, and her tears of gratitude for this gospel and her friends was touching.  I realized that, in life, the smallest acts of kindness make a huge difference. And if one can do so much good, a group can do more. Standing tall alone doesn't always have to be the case. Even if we feel alone, there are others on this earth going through similar trials, with similar standards. And, of course, there's the savior. He knows exactly how you feel because he's been there. For everyone. 

Kia kaha my sisters, stay strong. 

You are daughters of a King. 

Koda

     I know there's a movie called "All Dogs Go To Heaven" but I've never seen it. Never wanted to, and probably never will; But given recent events, I've had to contemplate the thought in great detail. My family will probably be more vocal about the whole thing than I will, but even so it's been a few hours and I have to get it out of my system. I'd love to know what dogs think about us, how they feel. I can't imagine I'll ever know. We got Koda as a puppy when I was pretty young, and I remember his nameless days, trying to decide whether to call him Scout or Koda. I guess we stuck with the latter because Brother Bear had just come out, and he kind of reminded us of a cute little bear cub. Thus his nickname was Koda Bear. He was kind of a silly dog, afraid of snakes and small dogs, didn't really like cats, but wasn't active enough to contend with them. He had a thing for squirrels. I sound like an animal lover and I'm really not, but I was a Koda lover. Still am. It's a bittersweet thing to lose a dog. I know he'll be in heaven waiting for us when we die, and maybe that sounds silly; but to me, at this moment, I don't care. I will miss him. I already do. As he was panting and breathing haggardly a couple of hours ago, we said a prayer. To know what to do, to know how to deal with his passing, and that peace would be with us if he died. I should have known it would come, he's been so sick for so long. But that prayer for peace helped. I feel comforted that something I have loved so dearly for much of my life will be with me again. I can only imagine how that must feel with family members that cross the veil once more to live with Heavenly Father again. Losing an earthly companion is challenging, but we have to get beyond this trial just like every other one that comes our way. The way I see it, better now than later.

You are His Child

     Last night I accompanied several of the young women to a hospital in Plano to sing to the eldest priesthood member in our ward. Brother Johnson has been sick for a long time, and soon it will be his joy to join our Father in Heaven once more. As we came in to say hello and sing, Brother Johnson's grandson was there with his wife, and they were visiting him and checking up on him. We came in and asked whether it was okay to sing a few songs, and being the delightful man that he appeared to be, said yes. We sang simply "I am a Child of God". How beautiful such simple words are in times like these. He teared up, and so did I. One of my dear friends beside me, whom I have never known to cry, teared up as well and it brought me such joy that she was touched by the spirit. We sang several other hymns and primary songs, and lastly as we sang "God be with You Till we Meet Again", he sang with us. Silent tears accompanied the music, along with a spirit stronger than I've felt in a very long time. He bore his sweet testimony to us, and said, "I want you to know that this church is true. I know it."
    After we sang to him a woman asked us to sing to her friend's mother. In the room were four women, who did not (to me) appear to be christian. One in bed, very sick. Her daughter, a younger woman, stood by her bedside, stroking her hair and holding her hand. The two other women were friends. We gathered around and began to sing. I was not overwhelmed by the spirit until we sang "A Child's Prayer." These words especially brought tears to my eyes as I watched the woman in the bed.
"Pray, He is there. Speak, He is listening.
You are His child, His love now surrounds you"
I realized then, with this strong overwhelming feeling, how much our Heavenly Father loves each and every one of us. I could feel His love for this woman. I felt it. "You are His child, His love now surrounds you." I could feel how happy He was that she was coming home. Oh, how much our Father must miss us while we are here, away from Him: Sinning, Learning, Hurting, Laughing, Trying, Becoming.
   It made me realize that because he loves His children so much, He wants them to live with Him again and we are the disciples. We do His work. Missionary work is so very important. Not only missionary work, but family history work. I have come to realize that they go hand in hand. When you save a soul, you gave generations. You allow them to be woven together in the gospel. The families that are blessed in this present earth life, the families that will be blessed in the generations hereafter, and the families that came before, who did not have the opportunity to know the truth that their descendants now know. We have the power and potential to save thousands of souls, and to allow them to have what we may have, so long as we are righteous: Exaltation. Eternal life with our Heavenly Father and our brother Jesus Christ. That alone should be motivation enough for anything.

Breathing

The sty in my eye is throbbing

Keeping my thoughts away from this

The ache in my toes is increasing

So I believe there’s something amiss

The pain feels great, though, in contrast

To what I’ve experienced before

I cannot wish this all away

Because I’ve already closed the door

Breathe slower, run faster, run longer

I close my eyes for a moment or two

As I feel the wind upon my face

I don’t think to keep going, I just do.

Dogs somewhere are barking

A rooster now belts his morning song

A rainbow is in the sky beside me

I wonder if it’s been there all along

For though my breathing is ragged

And the sweat runs down my neck

I know that I’m in complete control,

I keep my own life in check.

The sky now shows its true colors

The sun rises as I slow to a walk

 I breathe and let my heart recover

As the robins begin their talk.

But A Small Moment

I'm a firm believer that the Lord shows His hand in the times we need it the most. Through my struggles in finding affordable school housing, I have learned to look at the bigger picture. My parents are one of the greatest blessings I have received on this earth. As we were talking about finances for BYU, she looked at me and said, "You know, Joseph Smith was in Liberty Jail for 9 months though the coldest winter of the century." Here I am complaining about the lack of money, when others have gone through things like that. My afflictions are but a small moment compared to eternity. Insignificant. Yet, at this time and place I feel as if I have no way to go on. In more ways than one I am in over my head, and yet I try with all my might to pray and read scriptures and do all I can to make this a small trial. I notice that others look up to me, and I honestly wish they didn't. Of all people to look up to, it shouldn"t be me it should be God. He's the on helping me to be who I am, and the one who's put me through my trials to make me stronger. I just hope that I can rise above these challenges once again.

Teach me the strength that you've learned

To endure all the pain, all the sorrow

You've guided me, instructed me, loved me

But I don't know where I'll be tomorrow

Teach me to love as quickly as you do

You never judge, I wish I did not

If I haven't thanked you enough before

I do now, because I know I ought


Just thought I'd share this simple poem. It's unfinished, as are all of my poems so far
 

Blessings of the 28th

I don't usually do a play-by-play on my day, but so much happened in these past few hours that I have to write it all down. I've been waking up early to exercise, and my dear Emma has been running with me. We met at 6:00 at the track by our homes and ran for a bit, then walked the nature trail, swinging sticks in front of our faces in hopes of whacking all spider webs away from us. All the while i complained about how hard it was for me to stand my horribly messy room that i felt i had no time to clean...But It was a wonderful start to my morning. Even greater, I stepped on the scale after I got changed for work to see that I have lost another 4.7 pounds. That totals up to almost 10 pounds in three weeks. I hope I can keep this up because I have to prove to myself and my Heavenly Father that I can take care of my body. I can. I know that I can :) 

Work was fine. My feet were dying, and at lunch I met mom at the bank and I opened up my checking account and received my first debit card... Yay for growing up. After lunch, Walmart hadan employee   fundraiser where the associates got to pay for water balloons to throw at the managers. It was very funny to watch. 

I was originally going to do a whole post about that, but now it seems so insignificant. After work, I came home to Emma rushing up the stairs with something in her hand. I walked upstairs, but Camarie tried to keep me from going into my room. She held me hostage on the couch until Emma cane out of my room and smiled at me. "I'm done." She said, as if nothing was odd about anything. I went into my room to see my laundry done and in baskets on the floor, a made bed, (and her signature.. My teddy bears reading books on my bed. She always picks her favorite books from off the shelf) and a very otherwise clean room. I just looked at her and she smiled. Then all I could do was hug her and say thank you. Now, though, I realize just how lucky I am to have a friend that takes a minor complaint, and fixes it out of the goodness of her heart. I wish everyday that I could be like that. 

After Emma went home, I called BYU and started working on my financial aid so that I can go to BYU in the fall instead of winter. It will be. Long process, but it feels right, so I'm doing all it takes. As I was working on finances, my Grandpa called and talked to me. In my adolescence, this is definitely the most I have ever talked to him. He congratulated me for my recent successes and accomplishments, and said he was hoping to come visit before I go off to school. To hear that from someone I didn't know very well, I tried hard to put it all together. I felt do bad after our conversation, because I even have judged my grandfather. I shouldn't have judged him based on his past or the present, but who he will be and can be. I am so happy that he made an effort to talk to me. When he comes, I will gladly accept him into my life if he wants to be a part of it. 

Lastly, I began the day in Ether chapter 4 of the Book of Mormon, and finished for the fourth time since I've been in Young Women's. how beautiful are the words of the prophets. How horrible the fate of these people. How beautiful the truth of the Savior. I am so grateful for my YW president for challenging me to read the Book of Mormon. I was already reading it, but I wasn't as engaged in it as I have been these past few weeks. The scriptures have gotten me through several very tough moments. It is my protection in a world with an adversary who I know is interested in making me fall. But with this book, with my support, my faith... He cannot get to me. I cannot let him. 

I am so grateful for my two best friends today. They have both helped me become who I am and remember who I want to be. Never underestimate the blessings of God. Never take blessings for granted, because, as Moroni says, all that is good comes of Christ. 

I am a Mormon. I know it. 

I live it. I love it. 

On Judging Others

I had to rebuke myself today. While at work I caught myself thinking very judgmental thoughts about other people there with me. Telling mysel that I was stuck with people that only worked at Walmart, and would never go do better things with their lives.. What a thing to think!? It was a crude awakening at first, to realize how bitter and judging I can be.. But then I told myself that they were all children of God. I'm just the only one who knows that there. Imagine, I thought, if these people knew they were children of God as well. How different work might be. I just wish I had the courage to share that with others. I don't even really talk at work. I do my share, and on breaks I sit alone and read my scriptures and write in my journal. I shouldn't be so antisocial, I've just been this way for so long... Antisocial and judgmental. Man, I've just gotten two new things to work on :(

Girls Camp

Well this is my first shot at a "real" post about my life. This week was girls camp and there's so much I could say. I came to camp worried that I wouldn't have a good time. I didn't know anyone in our stake, and because of my weight and other things it is generally hard for me to put myself out there. But before we even got to camp, a car got stuck in the mud and we all had so much fun pulling it out of the mud and laughing about it. It rained, and I love rain so it put me in a good mood. I walked out to the dock by the YCL cabin, and it collapsed on one side. So Emma and I decided to make sure the other boards were "safe" by jumping on them all, arm in arm, all the while talking in British accents. The rest of the week went by just as beautifully. I slept a little better until I stopped taking the medicine, and began spending my nights reading my scriptures and writing in my journal. Writing under the moonlight, looking out at the water, is one of the most peaceful times of my life. I invited my young women's leader to join me my last night there, and ended up sharing things with her that I've needed to get off my chest for months. I adopted several new little sisters, and made a new friend that I hope I can make a difference in her life. I made friends of all the YCLs, and grew to love every girl in my ward. All of them came to camp, and that was new to me. You know, I made a goal to be better this year. After Monday night, when Emma and I stayed up late on the dock talking, I promised that I would reach out, because it was my last year, and I just HAD to be better than I have been. Only time will tell, but I'm glad I am more in tune with the spirit because even simple promptings to smile at someone, or pull them aside and tell them they're beautiful can mean all the difference in the world. I will miss being in young women's. I feel the transition coming and I'm not ready. I want to be, but I'm scared to leave these girls, I'm scared to leave my family, and I'm scared that if I leave this foundation, I'll lose my grip and fall again. I hope that I prove stronger now, but only time will tell. I would not give up this past week for anything in the world. It changed me like no other. I just hope I come back one day as a leader, to be the kind of woman that girls like me will look up to. I love my ward, I love my leaders, I love this gospel. 

Once Upon A Time

It's safe to say that things don't affect me as they used to. Given that, it's also important I mention that it's a good thing. But once upon a time there was a girl with mild faith, who lost her way because pleasure seemed better than happiness.
She didn't understand the pain and consequences that would follow her, nor did she understand how easy the escape could have been if only she turned away. she left the pain behind, but it caught up with her later. She suffered, she thought, she lay awake... but she didn't cry. Not often. She thought, and still does, that crying or showing pain near others would deem her weak, and cause others to focus on her. She didn't like that. She never has.
People in this world choose to live their lives in so many different ways. Some sing, some catch fish, some work to provide, some provide to live... most are missing something more important than they could imagine. The girl had it in her hands and chose, like many others, to put present before eternity.
How selfish we sometimes are. I have swayed in the truth while others do not know it. I have held back truth from those I love the most, and put my trust in those who only let me down. My faith, my trust, my every move should be towards my God.
But I need help. So much help. And I know I will find a way eventually.
This boy, a remarkable boy, told me the story of how he turned to God. He used to prosecute the church with his friends, and now his facebook profile proudly displays a picture of himself holding the book of mormon, and a tag-line that reads, "I know this is true, and so can you."
The URL for his facebook page is just as beautiful: "aubert believes."
My initial thought was to write something along these lines: 'if only I was like this boy.' But I would be missing the point.
We don't have examples to wish we were they,
we have examples to show us the way.
My past has degraded me, my future may not
Because I know I'll listen to what I've been taught
I may be haunted still in my dreams and flashbacks, but I am not that girl anymore. I will stand with Aubert because I believe. If I just believe, anything, even moving on, is possible.

It's Not Anxiety

I've decided that if people want to know details, or "read my soul", they'll just have to read my blog. It's my online journal that I share with anyone who cares to read it, which means close to no one. I don't mind, though.

A few days ago I began an initiative for myself, to take better care of my body. For years now I've been out of shape, and I figure the less weight on my body the less chance I have to continue insomnia periods. It's been fine for a few weeks now, but I have to admit I'm worried about attending camp. Last years camp experience consumed every ounce of mental and emotional strength I had. Though I know it's been a year, I'm still more aware, than anyone else in this world, that déjà-vu has the potential to uproot my foothold. I wish I was stronger, but I'm not. Yes, I have grown. Yes, I am happier. All the same, I still worry

Concerning my Latest Reading

I'm not going to say I'm doing anything different, because I always say that. However, when reading the scriptures lately-or the Book of Mormon in particular- I can't put it down. Maybe it's just the book of Alma, with all the wars and epistles and conspiracies in great detail, or the book of Helaman that leaves me assuming and imagining the details.. Either way, I'm loving it. This will be the fourth time I've read the Book of Mormon  on my own, and it's sad that its taken so long for me to gain this love for it all. Pageant did, to some degree, but the Pageant only tells part of the story. The only question in my mind- why did I not love it before? 

My Thoughts after Graduation

Well here I am, a graduated senior. It hasn't sunk in and I know it will eventually, but I still feel the same as I always have. No happier, none the worse either. I must admit I hardly paid any attention to the ceremony, my thoughts were on my future and how I am going to make it all work, how I can make enough, prepare enough, become enough to go out on my own and attend the school that I have dreamed of attending since I was an early teen, maybe younger. It seems ironic that once I have that future within my grasp, I know my fingers may be just short or reaching it. It's not my fault I have small fingers, nor is it fault at all, it's a plan. While I was staring at the black drape behind the stage, plain and simple, I realized that I can do everything I can, work hard and prepare myself physically, financially, mentally, and spiritually, that may not be enough. And I realized, my best is all I can give, and I have not been giving it. How can I expect a miracle without working for it? I have the faith, but not the works. And as we learned in seminary, faith wothout works is dead. So here I am, beginning the summer out of high school, with the ultimate goal and desire to do my best every last step of the way. The results await me at the end of this road. 

After Rain

I like to look for rainbows

Whenever there is rain

And ponder on the rooftop

Of an earth made clean again

I like to walk through rainstorms

It wipes my years away

And reminds me who's there beside me

Each and every day

I like to drink in moonlight

It fills my lungs with light

And even in the darkest times

The surrounding space is bright

I knew when I was baptized

My sins were washed away

Now I can be forgiven

And improve myself each day

I know when I'm not righteous

In lose sight of who I am

And I feel alone and hopeless

That I can't when I know I can

I know when I remember

What I knew when I was small

I can be wiped clean again

If I only give my all

I want my life to be as clean

As earth right after rain

I want to be the best I can

To live with God again

Insomnia

I guess I don't blog how other people do. I don't post pictures of myself and update on how my life is going... I don't have an audience for that. Honestly, I write whatever comes to my mind because it gives the illusion that I'm telling people how I feel. I'm never good at that. I have so many opportunities, but its always the same thing that gets me. How much do they really want to know? When they ask if I am okay, do they want an answer, or is it because it's common courtesy.. I don't get myself, so how am I supposed to get other people? A teacher told me today, after assigning an essay, "It's easy, it's all about you!" ...... How little she knows that I can't write about me. When people say, "Tell me about yourself," the initial reaction I have is always the same. I say that I love writing and reading, and that I love kids and want to be an elementary school teacher. That's it. I'm done then. When I write, my thoughts are incomplete, and I don't write for any other reason than to satisfy all these raging thoughts that will not leave me alone. It's worse at night. Lying awake while the house is silent, all except for the air conditioning that makes a whistle and my ceiling fan on high that clicks because the high setting makes it shake. I count shadows that the trees cast through my window, but it can't push away the onslaught of emotions and wave of loneliness. I have tried many things: music, scriptures, novels, conference talks, silence, writing.. but nothing compares to the feeling I used to get when I would lay on my roof in Maryland and look up at the stars. I felt closer to Heaven somehow, and yet at that time in my life I knew I was very far from it. I'm not there and I won't ever be again, but the loneliness remains. Some people can make me laugh and smile no matter how horrible I feel. It's ironic that I feel alone when I have a best friend like Emma to cheer me every day, but I do. I'm glad I always have people around me during the day. There, I said it. I like people. But I hate them too. I like being alone, but during insomnia periods, awake voices are so very welcome. Sometimes I wish I could tell people things again, but my trust is gone. I cannot lean on others, no matter how alone and lost I feel.

On Change and Words

I am always amazed at the inconsistency of change. I have changed so much and so little. I want the same things, but I shoot for different goals.. It's too complex an idea to even comprehend. So when I turn back and read things I have written in the past, sometimes it is a bullet to my chest, because my fourteen year-old self knew something that I have all but forgotten at seventeen. How does that happen? for example, when I was about ten years old, I was in the climax of my journal writing career. I wrote every day all day, mostly about nothing. But on the back of my 5th journal (I am currently on number 16), it says "It's easy to ignore boys when you're happy." ....What on earth?? How did I know that then? And why couldn't I have known that as a miamaid? a laurel? ...where is the ten year-old inside of me now? I want her back, but all the same I would lose what I now have: knowledge, and more importantly: faith.
In light of all these storms, there is a poem I wrote when I was a miamaid about storms. It is called "The Voyage" and part of it reads (as I still remember)
Sometimes the lord sends a lifeline
sometimes the wind carries us home
but we have to build our own paddles
a boat we can't build alone
that's why God sent us shipmates
to help when the work gets hard
How was I that mature at fourteen, I hope I will know one day. I also wonder if words such as the ones above, escape my pen because of... something. What that something may be I don't know. People are telling me I'm a "wordsmith" but it's easy to bend words. They are there for the bending and utilizing. It's harder to bend actions, and actions speak louder than words. However, I only seem to be good at the word part.. When it comes to action, let's just say I have a special turtle shell to crawl into. I don't know what made me that way, but I have an idea.

I'm Following in His Ways

Seminary Graduation was tonight and I had the opportunity to speak to everyone in attendance. To be honest, this is the first talk I have ever written with my heart. Here it is:

          When I was a freshman going into seminary for the first time, I didn’t know quite what to expect. It was early, and I really didn’t know how to feel about going to church every single morning, but after the first lesson, I was hooked. My seminary teacher taught us a very important lesson about our time on earth, and how short it is compared to eternity. This small principle, though I’d heard it a dozen times, helped me understand how short our time is on earth and that’s exactly why it is so important we do all we can to make it back to our Father in Heaven.

            I have enjoyed studying the four different gospels each year: Beginning with the Book of Mormon my freshman year, and ending my senior year studying the New Testament. This year in Seminary, I made a personal goal to read the entire New Testament, master all 25 scriptures, and to be open and attentive during the lessons. With these goals in mind, I would like to share with you four things I have learned this year in seminary.

            First, I have learned that the early morning is the best time for personal revelation. It is amazing what you can learn and receive through the spirit when you are up early hours before the rest  the world. Reading the New Testament, at first, it was difficult to feel like I was learning anything new at all. Stories are told over and over again, but in different accounts. But in these accounts, I was able to better understand the harsh life that was put before out Savior: Beautiful miracles that he performed, inspiring words that he spoke, countless people whose hearts were changed. These things, I realized, would not be known unto us if the apostles Matthew, Mark, Luke and John had not written of the Savior. This realization greatly increased my testimony of journal writing. We never know how our writings will affect others in future generations, and so I made a personal goal to do much better in keeping record of my own life, in my journal.

            Second. I have increased my understanding of the scriptures by recognizing how interconnected the Book of Mormon is with the New Testament. Finishing up this year with the Book of Revelations, both in seminary and my personal reading, was not as difficult as I had imagined. Yes, much was confusing, but much more made sense. I have grown to understand that Nephi and the apostle John received the same visions, revelations, and commandments. Two different disciples of the Lord, in two very different time periods, to receive the same witness of Jesus Christ and His everlasting Gospel. This BLEW my mind. Never before had I thought that two men like John and Nephi could be so related, even though they lived hundreds of years apart. I had always believed, prior to studying the testaments, that the Book of Mormon was the essential book of scripture in the gospel, and though that much is true, I failed to understand a simple truth that we have been taught since we are little children: that the Bible is the word of God, and all that may be unclear within its pages are revealed and understood through the Joseph Smith translations, the Book of Mormon, and our latter-day leaders of the church. And if the Bible is the word of God, and the Book of Mormon I the word of god, how could they NOT be related, how could they not be the same book? I testify to you that they are indeed one scripture. 

            Third, I have a growing desire to live as the savior did. Reading of Him and His miracles have been astounding and beautiful, but they are nothing unless I take that into my own life. I know that I cannot have the power to do the things He did, but I can strive with everything within me to obtain His kindness, His mercy, His forgiveness, His understanding, His perfection. I have read and studied the suffering of our Savior in Gethsemane many times. But this year, I gained an understanding of just how much He suffered for us. To think that he suffered for my sins alone is both heartbreaking, and heartwarming. He suffered for us, so that we may have he opportunity to live with Him and His father, who is our Father. To do so, we must strive very day to be like Christ, and follow in His ways.

Lastly, I know I want to be able to recognize the Savior as if I’ve seen him every day of my life. I am moved by an account in the book of Luke that Elder Henry B. Eyring retold in this last general conference. Two of the disciples walked [one] afternoon from Jerusalem on the road to Emmaus. The resurrected Christ appeared on the road and walked with them. The Lord had come to them. “And it came to pass, that, while they communed together and reasoned, Jesus himself drew near, and went with them. But their eyes were holden that they should not know him. And he said unto them, ‘What manner of communications are these that ye have one to another, as ye walk, and are sad?’ And the one of them, whose name was Cleopas, answering said unto him, ‘Art thou only a stranger in Jerusalem, and hast not known the things which are come to pass there in these days?’ They told Him of their sadness that Jesus had died when they had trusted He would be of Israel. There must have been affection in the risen Lord’s voice as He spoke to these two sorrowful and mourning disciples: Then he said unto them, ‘O fools, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken: Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and to enter into his glory?’ And beginning at and all the prophets, he expounded unto them in all the scriptures the things concerning himself.” And on another account, there is a parallel in C.S. Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia. In the final book, Aslan is standing behind a circle of dwarves. He calls to them, but they do not hear. He roars, but they think it is the wind. He leaves them in dissapointment, because they no longer recognize their creator. I know that I do not ever want to be the one who does not recognize my Savior when He walks beside me, when He stands behind me, and when He carries me through the trials. So, too, should you strive with all your heart to recognize the Savior, for I know that He is there every day for you, and how can we not recognize our creator, when we are here; we live, because He lives.

Elder Neil L. Anderson said, “You have come to this earth at a glorious time. The opportunities before you are nearly limitless.” But he also warned, “We have been placed on earth in troubled times.” 3 “It is a time of permissiveness, with society in general routinely disregarding and breaking the laws of God. The adversary is using every means possible to ensnare us in his web of deceit.” I would like to take this time to tell all those who will attend or are currently attending seminary: One of these opportunities, is seminary. It will allow you to escape the web of the adversary, and continue on towards eternal life.