On Change and Words

I am always amazed at the inconsistency of change. I have changed so much and so little. I want the same things, but I shoot for different goals.. It's too complex an idea to even comprehend. So when I turn back and read things I have written in the past, sometimes it is a bullet to my chest, because my fourteen year-old self knew something that I have all but forgotten at seventeen. How does that happen? for example, when I was about ten years old, I was in the climax of my journal writing career. I wrote every day all day, mostly about nothing. But on the back of my 5th journal (I am currently on number 16), it says "It's easy to ignore boys when you're happy." ....What on earth?? How did I know that then? And why couldn't I have known that as a miamaid? a laurel? ...where is the ten year-old inside of me now? I want her back, but all the same I would lose what I now have: knowledge, and more importantly: faith.
In light of all these storms, there is a poem I wrote when I was a miamaid about storms. It is called "The Voyage" and part of it reads (as I still remember)
Sometimes the lord sends a lifeline
sometimes the wind carries us home
but we have to build our own paddles
a boat we can't build alone
that's why God sent us shipmates
to help when the work gets hard
How was I that mature at fourteen, I hope I will know one day. I also wonder if words such as the ones above, escape my pen because of... something. What that something may be I don't know. People are telling me I'm a "wordsmith" but it's easy to bend words. They are there for the bending and utilizing. It's harder to bend actions, and actions speak louder than words. However, I only seem to be good at the word part.. When it comes to action, let's just say I have a special turtle shell to crawl into. I don't know what made me that way, but I have an idea.