Musings

I know its been awhile. but from the last tine i posted here to now, they might as well have been two different people. for much has changed. I'm feeling a little nostalgic this morning, but not for my old home. For my old self. I changed my profile picture, because it was really outdated and I was way chubbier in it.. But I almost want it back. I look into those eyes in that picture and I don't recognize that girl. She is too old to be me. Me: Julianna Marie Dover, seventeen years old.. but not for long, huh? Not for long. Soon I'm going to be in college, at least I hope so. Soon I am going to be on a mission, soon I will be an adult, not a child. (Not that I will ever be inclined to act like one when I am with the best of friends). There's another thing: friends. My friends, regardless of location change, have changed so much. My laurels have influenced me beyond reason and I am so grateful for their influence and love. I used to use this journal as a way to express myself darkly, to write out the pains of my heart in verse, in riddles. But it wasn't riddles. None of my poems really are, they're forward. They tell it how it is, because I write the truth, I write with my heart, not my hands. There. There it is, do you see? I have changed and I do not know how I am this old already. It seems only yesterday I was that little girl swimming in the neighborhood pool, hiding from crushes, fighting with siblings, making up games at night with my sister instead of sleeping, laughing so hard i couldn't breathe, over something silly like my older sister's hair in front of her face.. having us all in the same house. It won't ever happen again, and I don't really like it. All the same, reading about my leader's happiness, and seeing my parents and their siblings happy together with children and eternal families, I want that so bad. I want to grow up and fulfill my role as mother, teacher, wife.. but those words are too foreign to me now. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without feeling odd yet. How can I stand to grow up so much and watch others change, when changing myself is hard? Granted, I like change. I relish it, for if things always stayed the same, I'm pretty sure I would be a nutcase. I love moving around, I am so grateful for it. Otherwise, I would be stuck in the same ditch that I was before. You know, I know I had those experiences for a reason. I know that I fell and was cut down so that I could grow stronger. I know that I was given a gift of words because I could influence others.. maybe.. with them. Sometimes I feel down because I know others can write just as well, or even better, than I can. Take my Young Women's leader, for example. She always tells me that I have such a wonderful gift with my words, my poetry. This I know, but does <i>she </i>know that she posesses the same gift? I read her words, her blog. Several times (not that I'm a stalker, i mean, it's out in public so I could read it without even signing into blogger, I just loved it all so much). She is just as good with words, if not better, than I am. So why give me a gift others have? Is mine different? Do i have a different purpose? I do not know. There are many things I don't know. However, I relish not knowing because it's wonder that drives me on. It's love for the atonement and the gospel that gives me strength to move on and have courage and faith in my changing reflection. Nostalgia will go away soon, I know this, because, eventually, I'm going to have to accept that my childhood is over. The rest of my life may not be fairies and dragons, but then it never was, was it. I am different. to match a different world. But I am still me, still Julianna... Jules. I am still Jules. Just like the gospel is still the same, and will always be there for me when the world tries to change who I am again.