Blessings of the 28th

I don't usually do a play-by-play on my day, but so much happened in these past few hours that I have to write it all down. I've been waking up early to exercise, and my dear Emma has been running with me. We met at 6:00 at the track by our homes and ran for a bit, then walked the nature trail, swinging sticks in front of our faces in hopes of whacking all spider webs away from us. All the while i complained about how hard it was for me to stand my horribly messy room that i felt i had no time to clean...But It was a wonderful start to my morning. Even greater, I stepped on the scale after I got changed for work to see that I have lost another 4.7 pounds. That totals up to almost 10 pounds in three weeks. I hope I can keep this up because I have to prove to myself and my Heavenly Father that I can take care of my body. I can. I know that I can :) 

Work was fine. My feet were dying, and at lunch I met mom at the bank and I opened up my checking account and received my first debit card... Yay for growing up. After lunch, Walmart hadan employee   fundraiser where the associates got to pay for water balloons to throw at the managers. It was very funny to watch. 

I was originally going to do a whole post about that, but now it seems so insignificant. After work, I came home to Emma rushing up the stairs with something in her hand. I walked upstairs, but Camarie tried to keep me from going into my room. She held me hostage on the couch until Emma cane out of my room and smiled at me. "I'm done." She said, as if nothing was odd about anything. I went into my room to see my laundry done and in baskets on the floor, a made bed, (and her signature.. My teddy bears reading books on my bed. She always picks her favorite books from off the shelf) and a very otherwise clean room. I just looked at her and she smiled. Then all I could do was hug her and say thank you. Now, though, I realize just how lucky I am to have a friend that takes a minor complaint, and fixes it out of the goodness of her heart. I wish everyday that I could be like that. 

After Emma went home, I called BYU and started working on my financial aid so that I can go to BYU in the fall instead of winter. It will be. Long process, but it feels right, so I'm doing all it takes. As I was working on finances, my Grandpa called and talked to me. In my adolescence, this is definitely the most I have ever talked to him. He congratulated me for my recent successes and accomplishments, and said he was hoping to come visit before I go off to school. To hear that from someone I didn't know very well, I tried hard to put it all together. I felt do bad after our conversation, because I even have judged my grandfather. I shouldn't have judged him based on his past or the present, but who he will be and can be. I am so happy that he made an effort to talk to me. When he comes, I will gladly accept him into my life if he wants to be a part of it. 

Lastly, I began the day in Ether chapter 4 of the Book of Mormon, and finished for the fourth time since I've been in Young Women's. how beautiful are the words of the prophets. How horrible the fate of these people. How beautiful the truth of the Savior. I am so grateful for my YW president for challenging me to read the Book of Mormon. I was already reading it, but I wasn't as engaged in it as I have been these past few weeks. The scriptures have gotten me through several very tough moments. It is my protection in a world with an adversary who I know is interested in making me fall. But with this book, with my support, my faith... He cannot get to me. I cannot let him. 

I am so grateful for my two best friends today. They have both helped me become who I am and remember who I want to be. Never underestimate the blessings of God. Never take blessings for granted, because, as Moroni says, all that is good comes of Christ. 

I am a Mormon. I know it. 

I live it. I love it. 

On Judging Others

I had to rebuke myself today. While at work I caught myself thinking very judgmental thoughts about other people there with me. Telling mysel that I was stuck with people that only worked at Walmart, and would never go do better things with their lives.. What a thing to think!? It was a crude awakening at first, to realize how bitter and judging I can be.. But then I told myself that they were all children of God. I'm just the only one who knows that there. Imagine, I thought, if these people knew they were children of God as well. How different work might be. I just wish I had the courage to share that with others. I don't even really talk at work. I do my share, and on breaks I sit alone and read my scriptures and write in my journal. I shouldn't be so antisocial, I've just been this way for so long... Antisocial and judgmental. Man, I've just gotten two new things to work on :(

Girls Camp

Well this is my first shot at a "real" post about my life. This week was girls camp and there's so much I could say. I came to camp worried that I wouldn't have a good time. I didn't know anyone in our stake, and because of my weight and other things it is generally hard for me to put myself out there. But before we even got to camp, a car got stuck in the mud and we all had so much fun pulling it out of the mud and laughing about it. It rained, and I love rain so it put me in a good mood. I walked out to the dock by the YCL cabin, and it collapsed on one side. So Emma and I decided to make sure the other boards were "safe" by jumping on them all, arm in arm, all the while talking in British accents. The rest of the week went by just as beautifully. I slept a little better until I stopped taking the medicine, and began spending my nights reading my scriptures and writing in my journal. Writing under the moonlight, looking out at the water, is one of the most peaceful times of my life. I invited my young women's leader to join me my last night there, and ended up sharing things with her that I've needed to get off my chest for months. I adopted several new little sisters, and made a new friend that I hope I can make a difference in her life. I made friends of all the YCLs, and grew to love every girl in my ward. All of them came to camp, and that was new to me. You know, I made a goal to be better this year. After Monday night, when Emma and I stayed up late on the dock talking, I promised that I would reach out, because it was my last year, and I just HAD to be better than I have been. Only time will tell, but I'm glad I am more in tune with the spirit because even simple promptings to smile at someone, or pull them aside and tell them they're beautiful can mean all the difference in the world. I will miss being in young women's. I feel the transition coming and I'm not ready. I want to be, but I'm scared to leave these girls, I'm scared to leave my family, and I'm scared that if I leave this foundation, I'll lose my grip and fall again. I hope that I prove stronger now, but only time will tell. I would not give up this past week for anything in the world. It changed me like no other. I just hope I come back one day as a leader, to be the kind of woman that girls like me will look up to. I love my ward, I love my leaders, I love this gospel. 

Once Upon A Time

It's safe to say that things don't affect me as they used to. Given that, it's also important I mention that it's a good thing. But once upon a time there was a girl with mild faith, who lost her way because pleasure seemed better than happiness.
She didn't understand the pain and consequences that would follow her, nor did she understand how easy the escape could have been if only she turned away. she left the pain behind, but it caught up with her later. She suffered, she thought, she lay awake... but she didn't cry. Not often. She thought, and still does, that crying or showing pain near others would deem her weak, and cause others to focus on her. She didn't like that. She never has.
People in this world choose to live their lives in so many different ways. Some sing, some catch fish, some work to provide, some provide to live... most are missing something more important than they could imagine. The girl had it in her hands and chose, like many others, to put present before eternity.
How selfish we sometimes are. I have swayed in the truth while others do not know it. I have held back truth from those I love the most, and put my trust in those who only let me down. My faith, my trust, my every move should be towards my God.
But I need help. So much help. And I know I will find a way eventually.
This boy, a remarkable boy, told me the story of how he turned to God. He used to prosecute the church with his friends, and now his facebook profile proudly displays a picture of himself holding the book of mormon, and a tag-line that reads, "I know this is true, and so can you."
The URL for his facebook page is just as beautiful: "aubert believes."
My initial thought was to write something along these lines: 'if only I was like this boy.' But I would be missing the point.
We don't have examples to wish we were they,
we have examples to show us the way.
My past has degraded me, my future may not
Because I know I'll listen to what I've been taught
I may be haunted still in my dreams and flashbacks, but I am not that girl anymore. I will stand with Aubert because I believe. If I just believe, anything, even moving on, is possible.

It's Not Anxiety

I've decided that if people want to know details, or "read my soul", they'll just have to read my blog. It's my online journal that I share with anyone who cares to read it, which means close to no one. I don't mind, though.

A few days ago I began an initiative for myself, to take better care of my body. For years now I've been out of shape, and I figure the less weight on my body the less chance I have to continue insomnia periods. It's been fine for a few weeks now, but I have to admit I'm worried about attending camp. Last years camp experience consumed every ounce of mental and emotional strength I had. Though I know it's been a year, I'm still more aware, than anyone else in this world, that déjà-vu has the potential to uproot my foothold. I wish I was stronger, but I'm not. Yes, I have grown. Yes, I am happier. All the same, I still worry

Concerning my Latest Reading

I'm not going to say I'm doing anything different, because I always say that. However, when reading the scriptures lately-or the Book of Mormon in particular- I can't put it down. Maybe it's just the book of Alma, with all the wars and epistles and conspiracies in great detail, or the book of Helaman that leaves me assuming and imagining the details.. Either way, I'm loving it. This will be the fourth time I've read the Book of Mormon  on my own, and it's sad that its taken so long for me to gain this love for it all. Pageant did, to some degree, but the Pageant only tells part of the story. The only question in my mind- why did I not love it before? 

My Thoughts after Graduation

Well here I am, a graduated senior. It hasn't sunk in and I know it will eventually, but I still feel the same as I always have. No happier, none the worse either. I must admit I hardly paid any attention to the ceremony, my thoughts were on my future and how I am going to make it all work, how I can make enough, prepare enough, become enough to go out on my own and attend the school that I have dreamed of attending since I was an early teen, maybe younger. It seems ironic that once I have that future within my grasp, I know my fingers may be just short or reaching it. It's not my fault I have small fingers, nor is it fault at all, it's a plan. While I was staring at the black drape behind the stage, plain and simple, I realized that I can do everything I can, work hard and prepare myself physically, financially, mentally, and spiritually, that may not be enough. And I realized, my best is all I can give, and I have not been giving it. How can I expect a miracle without working for it? I have the faith, but not the works. And as we learned in seminary, faith wothout works is dead. So here I am, beginning the summer out of high school, with the ultimate goal and desire to do my best every last step of the way. The results await me at the end of this road.