I found this on my notes, written exactly a year ago. Some things have not changed.. And some things are more different than ever:
Conversations are painful when I think about them. I can't cry, I can only smile. A fake one, of course. It's been awhile since I've smiled in real conversations like that. I feel so alone sometimes. In certain classes. I did then, but here, it's a little different. Here they don't know me. And most don't care to. But inside I'm wishing that someone would take the time.
You know, the way he treated me, I felt so loved so special so different, yet our choices turned to the worse. I don't know how to feel. What to do. Because I miss that life, and I wish it never happened. I wish I could have been stronger. Now I am left thinking I need someone to lean on. I guess I have to wait, because that someone is not anyone here. Not anyone I know. Why? Because it can't be. I strongly believe there is someone out there for me, and I for them. But I am not worthy of him. I have to be confident that I can be. Because a temple mairraige is what I want. Everything I do now should work up to this. May it happen in three years or twenty years, I will work to be better. To get my education, to become a teacher, a wife, a mother.. To become someone as amazing and beautiful as my mother. To meet someone as caring and responsible as my father. To have all that, I have to start now with baby steps. Tomorrow is coming. If I do not put forth my best effort, I cannot go to BYU, so I will do whatever I can to get there next year. It is the first major step in becoming who I want to be forever.
