Thrive

The crown that sits upon your head

Is made of grass and weeds

The scepter you hold up in your stead

Convinces you that you'll succeed 

Your kingdom thrives, just in your mind

You're no real majesty

But still you sit upon that throne

And grin so all can see

That throne you sit upon all day

Its that stump cut years ago

Your subjects are the flowers of May 

And the trees that bow real slow

Your kingdom thrives, and so do you

In this place all to yourself

You boldly sit and face the woods

No ragdoll on a shelf

The woods are where you feel at home 

This kingdom made just for you

Though it's just you, you're not alone

There are birds and squirrels, too

Your kingdom thrives, you are at peace

You won't fight, you won't burn or drown 

You're stronger now than ever before

Nothing in the world can knock you down

Thanksgiving

I haven't posted in awhile, but today I have some thoughts that I must share. I accompanied my little sisters and some of the young women from my ward to a nursing home. We sang hymns and walked up and down halls with sleeping or otherwise idle patients. Some, including Brother Johnson, followed us around the home in their wheelchairs. Some listening but pretending not to care, and some that sat in the foyer to listen as well. Down the last hall, we sang Silent Night. My arms were linked with my friends and a patient with beautiful red hair and misty eyes took my hand, and kissed it. She pulled me closer and I hugged her. We exchanged no words. But I felt this overwhelming spirit about her. Gratitude. 

As Thanksgiving approaches I want to remember the soft red in her hair when I see the soft red in the changing leaves. I want to remember that look in her eyes forever. 

That is what Thanksgiving is all about. It's not the food, it's not always the family, either. It's about recognizing everything that you have, thanking Heavenly Father for those things, and showing Him how you are grateful.

 In my lesson today I drew a trunk on the board and labeled it "The Thankful Tree." As each child listed something they were thankful for I drew a leaf on the tree. I taught them ways that they can show Heavenly Father they are grateful for what they have, such as keeping the sabbath day holy and praying, and service. 

Today is just a reminder day for me, I think, because service is one of my favorite things in the world. As the woman kissed my hand I remember thinking, "What have I done? Can I really be that angelic in someone's eyes? Does she see me?"

But she did see me. Not as I do, but as Hravenly Father wants me to see myself. Helping others. Being kind, humble, attentive, loving, and grateful. 

I am so grateful for this gospel. Everyone says that they don't know where they would be without the gospel, but I know where I would be. I know what I would do, and I'm so eternally grateful that I have been so blessed to know the truth. 

Be Happy or Act Happy (No One Cares Which)

I found this on my notes, written exactly a year ago. Some things have not changed.. And some things are more different than ever:

Conversations are painful when I think about them. I can't cry, I can only smile. A fake one, of course. It's been awhile since I've smiled in real conversations like that. I feel so alone sometimes. In certain classes. I did then, but here, it's a little different. Here they don't know me. And most don't care to. But inside I'm wishing that someone would take the time.

You know, the way he treated me, I felt so loved so special so different, yet our choices turned to the worse. I don't know how to feel. What to do. Because I miss that life, and I wish it never happened. I wish I could have been stronger. Now I am left thinking I need someone to lean on. I guess I have to wait, because that someone is not anyone here. Not anyone I know. Why? Because it can't be. I strongly believe there is someone out there for me, and I for them. But I am not worthy of him. I have to be confident that I can be. Because a temple mairraige is what I want. Everything I do now should work up to this. May it happen in three years or twenty years, I will work to be better. To get my education, to become a teacher, a wife, a mother.. To become someone as amazing and beautiful as my mother. To meet someone as caring and responsible as my father. To have all that, I have to start now with baby steps. Tomorrow is coming. If I do not put forth my best effort, I cannot go to BYU, so I will do whatever I can to get there next year. It is the first major step in becoming who I want to be forever. 

My Favorite Quotes from Conference

September Evaluation

These past few weeks haven't been the brightest time in my life. Busy bee, they're telling me. Rarely home, and when I am I'm "too tired" to do anything productive or effective. But I realized after the relief society broadcast, that I have not been giving my all the The Lord and this gospel. My prayers are halfhearted, and my scripture reading has dwindled. Even my journal writing is meager and rushed. The prophet specifically talked about the importance of prayer and I know it was meant for me to hear. I need a better, stronger personal relationship with my Lord. Now that I've opened up my mission file, I need to begin preparations to be on His errand. I cannot do this without prayer, without Him. I cannot wait for general conference. I am very excited to hear what more I can learn and improve on in the coming months and years. 

Moon War

This is as simple as it gets

The truth displayed on blank pages

Lies on the written ones

For you, for me- the wages

From fighting this war are meager

And it seems that we are eager

To leave this hole we are in. 

Can we write a new story?

Nothing is happening but nothing

Can prevent this unbecoming glory.

Winning was never an option we

Had considered in the first place. 

But to actually have victory 

Would be kind of the one we call fate. 

This is as complicated as it gets

Food turns to drink in moonlight

But still we cross our fingers and

Hope that a beam could be our spotlight. 

Intermission

I've had the weirdest experiences working at Walmart. So many people tell me, "you're too good for Walmart" or "I bet that stinks..." And sometimes I definitely agree with them. But lately I'm trying to stay in this mindset- and it's very very hard- to remember that every thing has a purpose. Every place has it's beauty. Every person has worth. Even at Walmart!! That sounds bad, but let me explain. I have encountered so many people and made many friends, shocker I know, that make me feel better than ever. A couple weeks ago, just doing my job, I saw an older man in his driving cart pass by. I asked him if he needed any help, but he smiled and said no thank you. Five minutes later he rolled by me and stopped. "Do you live around here?" He asked. I told him I lived in Murphy, but he said he knew that wasn't it. He preceded to ask me many questions. "Your face is so familiar!" He kept saying, but I really didn't know him and had no idea why we would have crossed paths. Eventually it turned into a wonderful conversation. He asked about my birthday and told my that girls born in July liked to take charge, were hard-headed, and bold. He said they were stubborn, fearless, and in the down-side, that made them naive. "See, I'm into horoscopes," he said. But I had to explain, "I'm not really like that, though."

"Do you like taking charge?"

"Sometimes."

"Are you stubborn?"

"At times."

"Well you're certainly not naive."

"Uh, I think I am. Isn't everyone a little?"

"I'm not. I bet you're fearless."

"Depends on what's initiating the fear."

"Spiders? Men? Walmart?"

"Those aren't things to be fearful of."

"Boys?"

"Now there's a frightening thought."

At this point he scared me a little (and mind, this isn't word for word. I assure you I can't remember conversations this well, but I'm getting the basics). 

"AHA!" He said, "my dear, you were born in the wrong month."

"Well I was supposed to be born in August..."

"That's not what I mean." Then he totally diverted and blurted, "so do you have a boyfriend? A girl as pretty as you HAS to have a boyfriend."

But I explained that I did not want one. "I've been there before and it's really nothing I want any time soon. This portion of my life is about bettering myself."

He nodded but I could tell he didn't understand. 

I was about to say something to explain, when he said, "you've gotten your heart broken haven't you."

"You kind of have to have one for it to break." I said. 

He shook his head and, to my surprise, took my hand (which was sweaty from holding the game case keys... Remember I'm at Walmart.) and he said, "There is no way you don't have a heart, young lady."

I honestly tried to end the conversation but he just kept talking about things, told me finally that his name was Don. (Retired mailman and Walmart employee... Anyway) somehow it came up thst i was LDS and we figured out his nephew was LDS and it was cool. I told him why i wasnt at school, and other things and finally he remembered he had to go. But he took my hand again and said, "I can hope that your boy is out there becoming a man so that he's worthy for you. He's out there somewhere. Bless your heart." 

I went into the bathroom and cried.